Remember when your fantasies involved anything about your man’s body? And not just his body moving to the fridge to get you out some ice cream before watching Mad Men together? Me either. Welcome, friends, to the new normal. Try to contain yourself, you little sexpot.
1. Your husband comes home driving a new minivan. “What happened to the Audi?” you ask breathily. Your husband gazes steadily into your eyes and your knees wobble. “I realized you were right and I was acting like a child. I’m ready to grow up now,” he declares, in a take-charge voice. You kiss for six seconds until your toddler defecates in his diaper. “I hope you put the carseats in right or the kids may die,” you cheekily remark.
2. Your husband’s cell phone rings during dinner. He glances at it and puts it back in his pocket. “Who was that?” you huskily inquire. “My boss,” states your husband casually. “He can wait, this is family time. Sometimes I think you’re right and he’s a textbook narcissist.” You feel desire surge through your body, then recede as you serve the broccoli.
3. Your mom calls the landline, which you only purchased because she kept bringing up scenarios involving power outages and your children in danger with no way to call for help. Your husband picks up. His face bursts into a radiant smile. “Maureen!” he delightedly greets her. “Why haven’t you called more lately? I had it on my calendar to check in with you this week if we didn’t hear from you. How’s your landlord treating you, that bastard?” You swoon on your way upstairs so you don’t have to get on the phone.